So, maybe I have a minute...

Tom is in bed, and well so is the rest of the house. I have a love-hate feeling about times like this. Love them because it is Q U I E T and I can think. Hate them because sometimes the last thing I want to do is think.  Right now all I can think about is my husband is leaving AGAIN and won't be home until July. :::::::sigh:::::::::

Anyway, tonight after putting the kids to bed, Tom and I were on the couch just talking and laughing and then he looks at me, kisses my forhead and says "Babe, I am gonna miss you" and BAM out of no where I started to cry.

Oh my gosh.....YES I cried.

Normally I don't do that in front of him when he is about to leave mainly because I don't want him to feel bad about leaving. But he totally understood why and didn't feel bad.

This trip is different that his 2 previous trips to Qatar and Iraq. Those trip were easier to swallow because none of it was under our control. You accepted it and you moved on. This is a trip we CHOSE. We have known for 6 months this was going to happen. We knew that him taking this job would involve a lengthy tech school.  So when it is your own decision you have to swallow it doesn't go down as easily when the time is quickly approaching.

YES I know he won't be in a dangerous area.

YES I know he will only be 13 hours away and could easily drive home if need be.

YES I know we will be able to talk everyday for as long as we want as many times as we want.

YES I know we are driving out in April to see him.

But, gone is gone people. Period. It wouldn't matter if he was going 2 hours away I would still miss him just as much.

Every morning he wakes me up with a kiss to tell me he is leaving, that he loves me, he will see me later tonight and to have a good day. Everynight before we fall asleep he wraps himself around me kisses my kneck and tells me how much he loves me. The words you can get on the phone but the physcal feeling you cannot.

Tom asked me what would be the worst part of him being gone. Was it dealing with the kids by myself? NO, I do not fear that! Was it dealing with the house and yard work? NO, certainly not. Could I even really pinpoint the feeling at all. Ohhhhhh yes I can.

My answer: Just living everyday with out your physical presence and then looking at reminders of you all over the place.

I told him at least he wouldn't have my stuff all over the place to remind him how much he missed me.

His answer: What about the reminder on my heart.

Then I lost it all over again :)